Dear JimBob,
If you have people in your life that are/were your friends, but because you've either grown up/matured, walked away from the type of lifestyle they live, and/or are brought down by being around these people; how do you go about breaking away without really hurting the other party?
Signed,
Clean start
Dear Clean,
First, don’t do it on Facebook J. I say that somewhat jokingly, but I’ve actually heard stories of people ending friendships and relationships via Facebook. This may not be the most intellectual way to say it, but that’s just wrong, not to mention a little cowardly. While we’re talking about electronic extrication, email is not a good option either. My rule of thumb is to avoid using email as a medium for any loaded conversation.
“Conversation” is probably the best word to use for what you need to do. Though it’s an overused cliché, honesty really is the best policy. Granted, you can’t say something like, “I’m a Christian now, and because you’re not as holy as me, I’m ending our relationship.” First, just saying that would call to question your holiness. Second, your friend would probably walk away laughing more than hurting. Christ’s reputation would be the most likely thing hurt in that exchange.
Though it’s tough, an honest, vulnerable, and loving conversation is typically the best way to go. You listed a few issues in your question and each one might call for a specific approach. As I said, I wouldn’t bring up the “grown up” or “mature” argument because one person’s “grown up” might be another persons “up-tight.” Avoid generalities and try to be specific, as in your reference to the lifestyle difference. Start off the conversation with, “You may be wondering why I’ve been reluctant to go to the bar with you,” and then share in a non-judgmental way, the change that has happened in your life and why it’s difficult for you to be exposed to the lifestyle you once “enjoyed.” Keep in mind that you are the one who has changed, so accentuate the joy you’ve found in a different lifestyle as opposed to pointing out why the old lifestyle (which still defines your friend) is so bad, wrong, or destructive.
You need to think through what you mean by “brought down.” Do they make you feel depressed because of how you used to live? Do they make fun of you and tempt you to return to the old lifestyle? Do you have a more positive outlook on life and it’s their constant negativity that brings you down? Name it and share it in love. There’s no guaranteed way to approach someone about a loaded topic like this. Insecure and angry people become defense even when they’re told, “I love you.” To limit any possibly injury, your focus needs to be:
1) Share in love the hope and the difference that you now know. (1 Peter 3:15)
2) Establish healthy boundaries so that you don’t fall back into the lifestyle you’re trying to escape.
3) Be a witness for Jesus Christ.
Let me end with a word or two about number three. One of the understandable mistakes Christians make (new and not-so-new Christians) is they sever all ties with persons from their questionable pasts. Christians find joy in being with people who love God. They grow more when they’re around people who are also seeking to grow. Just like the person who wants to play basketball needs to hang around with basketball players, it makes sense that those who want to grow in their Christian walk, need to hang out with strong Christians. However, keep in mind that Christ’s commission was to GO and make disciples. Way too often Christians hide in their holy huddles and loose the connections and relationships with the very persons whom God could reach through them IF they maintained those relationships. It’s a balance. There is always a fine line that needs to be drawn and guided by the Holy Spirit between maintaining relationships in order to be a witness and getting out of relationships that are cancerous to a believer. I would recommend, before having the above conversation, that you sit down with a trusted Christian friend and prayerfully discern God’s long term desire for the relationship you’re struggling with.
In Christ,
Jim
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